I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Mom said you looked used
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
