You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
