Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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