I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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