Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
