Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
