i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
