see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
