I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
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