he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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