I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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