i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
