So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My penis needs a shock collar
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
