Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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