her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
