i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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