at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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