it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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