we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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