when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize