Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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