saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
