it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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