you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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