If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
