i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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