I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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