they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
