We got so high we made milksteak
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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