also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
