dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
