i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
