He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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