there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
