Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
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