Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
