apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize