good thing vaginas are great cup holders
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
