I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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