His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
