i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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