someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
