All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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