A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
