Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
