Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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