I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
