i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
