***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
