Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
