shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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