im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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