the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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