You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
